Shabbat Dinner at the Mintz's

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Why do my parents look like this?  What could I have possibly said that would make them react this way?


Lets start from the start.


Since beginning this film, I have learned a lot. I come from a  place where I doubt there is any proof or any tangible existence of God.  I am on a path to investigate this phenomenon and see if I can have any personal experience with what other "believers" claim.  i am not out to make fun or prove wrong - just to see if I can experience anything beyond what i already have - which in retrospect - has been minimal.   What i have learned in my quest is as excited as believers are: those who dont are uncomfortable dsiscussing faith.  Most people reading this blog are following along cautiosly.  "Whats is Billie up to?" - they say to themselves, worried that I might fall over the edge. 

Well I haven't...yet ;)


One thing I have learned, if you have faith you like to talk about it - if you don't - well - you would rather not.


Thats not the case of my parents though.  We were raised with both the Jewish religion, community and faith.  But what I learned as an adult and what I have expressed in earlier posts, that my faith did not carry me through and I am now 37 questioning God, and God's relevance in my life.  Before turning 38 I want some answers and i am looking for them.

We traveled up to Barrie to have Shabbat dinner at my parents house.  Its a long drive with lots of time to reflect.  Today i am bringing Producer, Evan Bellam and our Camera guy Matt.  I told them the first thing my mother was going to do was say something about my facial hair - she always does.

We are going to learn a bit of the world that I come from.  This is the place where I first learned about faith and started me on my spiritual path.  Their greatest gift to me was teaching me the base of leading a spiritual life: to be kind to all people.  That above all is essential to my faith.


Home is where Love comes from



My Pops

My Ma



40 years of Marriage - Amazing role models

 Have you ever been to a Shabbat dinner?  Well most of you have never been to a Shabbat dinner at the Mintz’s.  When we are all in the same room, we are a loud people.  Everyone has an opinion.  And we like to yell: at eachother.  Somehere along the way we learned, in order to be heard, you need to talk louder and since everyone is good at that – it gets really loud.  That’s how I grew up and most of the yelling took place at the one dinner that was mandatory to be at: Shabbat.  It didn’t matter if you had plans, or a date in grade 8 – you could not miss Shabbat.  that was my experience with Judaism.  The things I had to do: go to hebrew school, go to religious school,go to synagogue, go to shabbat: it was all obligation and I was never really asked if that was something I wanted to do.  My parents - with all their good intentions to teach us spirituality and observe our "faith" ended up pushing us away.  Don't get me wrong - if you asked me if I actually wanted to do this stuff I would have probably said yes, because I kinda liked it all, but lots of Jews I know (including some members of my family that have asked to remain anonymous, feel otherwise.)  More about that later if I am allowed 

(thats the thing about faith and religion : people have a hard time being public about it unlike me...)  Although I do find myself watching everything I say.  Definately will write more on that later

 But lets not focus on the negative: because even the yelling part taught me how to express myself and if you know me you know I know how to do that and if you don’t – well google me.  I do – every week to see what is new.  People say I give good google.

Pops makes Challah



Ma makes Shabbat food - Koogle



Chicken Soup for the Soul - with Matzah Balls - the best part of the Matzah

The good stuff – my mother is the best cook.  She makes a mean meal.  She needs to open a restaurant called "Jewish Mother" and go toe to toe with Caplansky’s.  You want to learn about Jewish food?: go there

 

so ALL THE NON jEWISH PEOPLE ARE ASKING: what is Shabbat besides Jewish Food? – in a nutshell: you bring in the Sabbbath with prayer and dinner with your family.  My mother lights the candles, my dad does the prayer over the wine and whoever was lucky enough got to cut the bread and then we passed it around the table, ripping a piece.  you want more info then look it up here

lighting the Shabbat candles

Cutting the bread and saying the prayer

It was nice to have Shabbat with my parents.  Especially when on this quest for God and questioning my faith.  I had something I wanted to tell my parents the reason I brought my crew up to Barrie and reveal to them what this doc is really about.  It was important to me to tell my parents first what i am really doing in this doc before I tell the rest of the world.  Its my duty as a son.  I owe my parents everything and I never want to make them feel bad or disrespect them.  it was the way I was raised.  My parents mean everything to me and although I may question God, I dont question their divinity one bit.  they are the ones that provided a life for me and loved me and the reason i became the person i am today and for that and everything they have done for me, i am grateful.

 

so why, you ask, does my mother react like this?  What could I have possibly said to them?

In time.  It will all be revealed.  Just like God.  I only hope...

Jesus, Are You There? Its Me, Billie.

Today I went with my producer Evan Bellam and Camera man/filmmaker Theo Skudra to meet with pastor Elio Marrocco  at the New Life Christian Church.  He was a little nervous at first and was not sure he wanted to be filmed.  I assured him that although the cameras were necessary, if after we spoke, he did not want to be a part of the documentary we wouldn’t use any of the footage.  That’s the tough part about making a doc in general, especially about this topic.  Its understanding that people of faith – especially Jesus – are weary of the media because most filmmakers take advantage of people in order to entertain others at their expense.  But that’s not my style, I assured Elio.

Billie Mintz - Director

Theo Skudra - Camera/Filmmaker

Evan Bellam - Producer

 That is why I think I am doing what I am doing.  I’m making a film about and for faith.  I’m not out to alienate people for believing in something.  I seek further understanding into this phenomenon of God, something that up until now I have taken at face value and accepted (or not accepted) just because of the way I was raised.  I didn't question whether or not I believed, I always just assumed I never really new and was fine without looking further into that.

At 37, I am ready to make a decision about my beliefs and either strengthen my connection with God or resolve to live a life with any further concern of the subject.  I’m not out to prove that God does not exist, I’m out to investigate my beliefs.  I hope to have a richer faith by the time I am through.  Its not just for making a film:  I need it now.

Elio must have liked my vibe because he asked me flat out – before I let the cameras roll – what’s the point?  It was a direct question that needed a direct answer and it flowed out of me as if I was meant to do this.

“I’m on a journey and I am looking for spiritual guidance.”  Is what I answered.  “But most of all, I want to bridge the gap of understanding between those who believe and those who do not believe.  I think there is a great division between the two camps and I think I am the person, representing those who don’t believe to get further understanding without judgment from those who do believe.”  I’m like a translator – I take what sounds crazy and deliver it in sound bites that others can handle.

Elio was impressed with my openness and directness and agreed to go forward with the interview.

Pastor Elio Marrocco

It was a good talk.  I really liked Elio.  I felt good things from him and he was happy to have a Jew in his church to talk about God and Jesus and himself.  He actually kept touching my arm and said “the more I see a Jew the more real God is”.  He talked a bit about my role as a Jew, my history and how we fit into his belief system.  To tell you the truth, it was at this moment, that I actually felt more like a Jew than any other moment in my life.  Not even at my Bar Mitzvah.  It took me going to a church to talk to a pastor about Jesus to actually have an authentic Jewish experience.  I’m not sure what that means but I bet I will know more soon.   He was very appreciative of my openness.  This wonderful 60 year old man who looked 40 from years of Joy was acknowledging me and my journey.  He said I was a true agnostic.  I was admitting that I did not know but I was seeking.  He also said that if I truly choose to investigate God, God will reveal himself.  I asked him, how do I truly investigate God.  He said – you are already doing it.   He gave me a prayer and told me to use it.  I have never prayed to Jesus before, and I am not sure I am ready to try that.  He also gave me his book and even signed it.

What I received most out of this talk was when I asked him “what if you are wrong?’  You built this whole life around a concept, and base everything you know on something invisible.

Elio didn’t flinch – he just smiled and said “it might not be but it doesn’t matter.  I have a beautiful life – a beautiful wife, a family and a great community”

I understood exactly what he meant.  He gave me some great direction and I am sure that is not the last I will see of Elio.

Will the Real Messiah Please Stand Up?

If there is one thing all Jews agree on: it’s the messiah has yet to come.  Ask any Jew what they think about Jesus being the son of God and they will tell you without flinching it’s simply not the case.  You don't believe me? - go ask one: If you know a Jew.  I'll tell you from firsthand experience, when I grew up, I was told that Jesus was not the son of God.  We were not told that he did not exist, we were just assured that not only was Jesus not the messiah, but we were still expecting it.

Judaism is a messianic religion; meaning the religion is based around the fact that God is going to send a messiah to “save us”  This is something I forget because we have heard so much about Jesus being the messiah that we forget, AS Jews, we are still waiting.  Its not something I thought about growing up.  The world was great the way it was – who needed saving?  That was when I was a kid.  As an adult – I see a world in need of saving (mostly from problems stemming from religion…ironic?)

If you ask the religious Jews, they are definitely still waiting for a Messiah.  The Hasidic think he is coming any minute now.  The rest of us Jew”ish” people kinda forgot we were waiting for a messiah and probably don’t even care – because we are all wrapped up with our own problems.  For many of us, BEING Jewish is more of a historical affiliation (like being a member of a country club) and something to experience spirituality through traditional means.  Like having Shabbat dinners, going to temple during the holidays, fasting on the new year, and having a Passover Seder is about as Jewish as most Jews I know get these days and myself, I don’t really do any of the above.

So does that make me Jewish even?  Most Jews I know aren’t religious.  Did we forget that the Messiah was coming? 

The whole idea of the Messiah is that the world is pretty shit and silent God is gonna come down and save us from the shit and make everything better.  Ok – that sounds great.  What is he waiting for?

So the Christians believe that the Messiah came.. saw something bad, didn’t do much about it (because we are still suffering) and now he is… coming back?  That’s the second coming but my question is – why didn’t he just come once?  Why did he have to come back?  (any Christians out there can explain this?)

From where I sit I see, Historically you have a Nation of Jews waiting for the Messiah and maybe some of them got tired of waiting and accepted that Jesus was the messiah but since he didn’t fix anything they changed the story to say “no wait he is coming back” to accommodate for the lack of results on his first visit. regardless, that story grew and is now a religion of over 2.3 Billion people who all believe that jesus is for real.  Considering there is only 20 million(ish) Jews out there - Its kinda funny that we Jews stick to our story so hard.  Most Jews I know don't even care about the messiah, yet they are positive Jesus isn't it.  Regardless of yyour take on it,  Now we have two peoples (Jews and Christians) waiting for the messiah FROM THE SAME God - but different stories entirely.

You can see where I get confused and lack a bit of faith in all of this.

All I know, regardless of the story and who is the messiah or who isn’t – we live in a world that needs saving.  We need God – at least the idea of God.  Everyone needs to stop arguing (and killing eachother) over what story is right and get down on our hands and knees and start praying – together.

More about praying later…

Delivering Evan, a Fish Named Peter and Jesus

You really need to pay attention.  apparently when starting a film about God, things start to happen pretty quickly.  I'm a bit overwhelmed by the response both from a growing audience of people that are more interested than I thought as well as from whatever mysterious happenings occur when you set out to make a film about God.  Its like I pressed a button and said "i want to know what God is" and God pressed a button that said "are you sure you are ready?"

You know those people that say all you have to do is pray?  Well I'm already seeing direct results.



Producer Evan Bellam


I should probably go back a bit.  this is Evan Bellam.  The night before I met Evan, I had this dream about a fish who kept jumping out of water and spoke to me and said his name was Peter.  Seemed ridiculous until someone on Facebook told me that Peter was the disciple of Jesus that gave Jesus a fish. I never knew that.  Jews don't learn about Jesus.  Then I thought about the dream further - fish - wait a sec isnt that the symbol for Jesus?  and fish out of water... thats me right?  Ok maybe I'm just making huge leaps (no pun intended) but you gotta admit its pretty amazing.

 Anyway, could just be a dream about a talking fish but that very day Evan comes in to the office (I met his mom) and tells me he wants to produce a film and I show him this project.  Within hours, Evan is on the phone to some of the top faith dealers in North America to see if we can get some time with them: for what - we do not know yet, but as things are speedily advancing, we are letting "God" lead the way.  Its kinda like making a doc without any real focus but letting "Faith" tell us what is next.
All I know is Evan and I were supposed to meet.



Billie and Evan


The whole idea of this film started when my neighbors moved next door.  They are from the Korean Christian community and are very open about their beliefs in Jesus.  I was fascinated by their faith and began to question my own.  I will get into this more but what came out of our differences the most was that I learned that though I thought I had faith, in contrast to them, mine was undefined. That was what kick started this whole experience: My neighbours moving in.  Was that providence?  To make a long story short, through this connection I ended up making these films for her company:



While interviewing Sunni I really began to question my own beliefs.  Was I just floating by in life with no real connection like he spoke of?  Was his connection real?  I began to really question all of this and thats what i am doing here.

This week I have quite the adventure ahead of me.  I am excited to share.

Take One Step To God and He takes One Step To You

Temporary new poster.  Part of the creative process.  Amazing the response I am getting on this project already.  Posted my last post at 6am and by 9 I already had 100 reads.  I came up with idea months ago and already started to feel like things were changing in my life and wasn't sure or not if its because I was always talking about God.  All the people who are "believers" talk about how much better their lives become when they let God in and I kind of started to feel it myself, so I didn't want to go too forward with the process without documenting it.

Of all the emails I received today I wanted to share this one from my father:

"RE: GOD

Yes, I do believe in God. Yet I also believe that God is way beyond our understanding. In fact, Jews are not only to accept God's existence, without question; but, also to follow, without question. God's expectations as dictated in the Torah. The quest comes with studying what God early wants from us by reading/interpreting/understanding that which is written in Torah. God does not specifically "care" for you or me, but for [the advancement of] humankind. We [you, me, & Fred & Mary], though, are all God's vehicles.

In other words, boyson, you will only find God in Faith. Blind acceptance. Most likely, though, in your deeds. [Perhaps through the 'doing' of your documentary.]

Well, that's my 'take' for today anyway. [A common person's view of God.]

love you Dad"

Lots to ponder on that.

Day One of Filming

Today was day one of filming.  Its always tough to start a new project.  Fear sets in and laziness as well.  I'm very lucky so far to have a series of past projects that I am very proud of but you only hear about the ones I finish.  Somewhere in my computer is a dusty file of projects that i started that never have seen the light of day and they still haunt me waiting to get some creative attention from me.  This project is different.  This project is something that needs to be done.  A very important mystic once told me in the midst of the biggest crisis I have ever experienced in my life, that I am a reporter and I need to report about things that people don't understand.  Well this is my biggest case yet.  I'm investigating God.

I was invited to an event, put on by my good friends who i grew up with yet haven't really seen since highschool.  I spent most of my childhood at their home as I was best friends (and spirit brother) with their brother - so it made us all like family at the time.  Its amazing that the friendships we made when we were children are so thick that 20 years can pass, and even though I haven't even seen them, its like we never parted.  Ever since I started this investigation into faith and God, the most serendipitous things started happening.  The day I decided to start shooting, this event came up on my facebook.



Chef Jordan Wagman

 Jordan and Jennifer were teaming up with a large group of people to feed the homeless at a synagogue and give them needed items such as clothes and necessities.  What better way to start my journey then with my jewish roots and the family I grew up with.



Jenn Wagman

 The Wagman's were raised with the exact same Jewish upbringing as I was.  we went to the same synagogue, hebrew school, etc.  So I was curious, 20 years later, to see where they were at with their faith.  I figured that an event at a synagogue, feeding the homeless was a good indication of where they were at.  What better place then that to begin my investigation into my own faith.



Billie Mintz in the crowd feeling inspired

Its pretty amazing the difference in opinion when you ask people about God.  Here we were in  Jewish establishment and everyone was pretty different in their reasons for being there.  Jordan said something really amazing where he referred to his family as his faith.  made me think how lucky he was and also made me reflect on my own.  Part of this journey I must look towards my family.  That will be interesting and very telling.  That will be on Friday when I go film Shabbat at my parents house.  More to come on that one.




Tamara 

 In the crowd of people I couldn't help notice Tamara.  Sure, she was a good looking woman, but something about her drew me towards her.  I was on a mission to find God and part of that mission was to be open and look for signs.  She wasn't the slightest bit interested in talking to me and flat out refused to talk on camera.  But I did what I do best, I charmed her into talking to me.  And boy was I rewarded for that extra effort.



Tamara agreeing to be interviewed

 Again, today what I discovered most was that "God talk" really brings the most out of people.  She gave me a very insightful look into her beliefs - something I never really thought of.  What was most interesting was that she had just written a paper on how Jews still believed in God after the holocaust.  Of all the people I chose to speak with in the room, she was the one who had very particular insight into what I was researching.  I am pretty sure that will not be the last I see of her in the film.  Infact, we are going out this weekend to talk some more.  All on camera, of course ;)



Tamara and Billie getting along quite well

 The best thing I learned today, first day of filming, is that I am on a search for God and part of being on that search is to be open to where I am led.  If God is really out there, and miracles do happen, then why not believe this project is one of those miracles?

For more pics on day one of filming please go to our facebook page and the album is here.

Will The Real Jew Please Stand Up.

I've been Jewish for 37 years.  I was circumsized at 8 days old.  This decision of me being Jewish was made for me, by my parents, by theirs and all the way back to Abraham.  If you take the story as truth.  Most Jews do.  I never chose to be Jewish.  there was no time in my life where someone asked me: "Do you want to be Jewish?"  it was a decision that was made for me.  I think it compromises my belief.  It wasn't a conscious decision.  Its ironic that Jews are called the "chosen people" when we did not choose.  Some say God chose us.  Thats a lot of faith to go on.  Who is God anyway?

I am jew.  But what does that even mean to me?

So who was Abraham?  He was the son of a idol maker who had visions of God.  God spoke to Abraham and told him that he would be the father of a great tribe of people: The Jews.  That's me.  I'm in that tribe.  My ancestry apparently goes way back to Moses and even further back to Abraham.  Who wouldn't want to be in that Tribe?  Some guy in sandals and a robe (Abraham) had such a great story that so many people followed him that 6000 years later (i think) I'm here in Toronto, writing about being a Jew. He was very convincing.  He told kings to give him land and he grew a nation because people believed he spoke with God.  He almost killed his son, because "God told him to".  Thats faith.

Thats what brings me here.  I don't hear God.  I mean, he doesnt talk to me.  I can feel his presence (at least i think i do) but he hasn't come out and said "Billie.  This is God."  Nothing to confirm that he is real, at least. I mean, i dont think I'm a prophet or the messiah (i got over that a long time ago - its called meglomania.) but I would like, at this time of my life, some sort of further evidence that he is real.  I guess that is what faith is. 

Wikipedia: Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, concept or thing. 

Trust is a funny word.  I explored it in my last film The Ponzi Scheme.  I lost 20K with trust and so many others lost so much more. I learned that trust, when blind and not won, is a fantasy.  so where does that leave me and God?

i grew up Jewish.  i went to hebrew school, youth group, religious school, i was bar mitzvahed and I was confirmated.  I had shabbat every friday with my family and I went to the synangogue to pray.  My aunt is religious - she lives in Israel with her husband and four children who are all orthodox jews and thats the biggest claim and connection I have to being Jewish.  For me, that's not enough.  people ask me what I am - i answer Canadian.  I dont feel connected to being Jewish (outsode of the historic phenomenon) which makes me question my connection to God.

I do believe in God though.  thats the irony of it all.  I have a strong connection to "spirit".  I feel blessed.  I pray every night to thank all the people in my life.  So its not like I'm some atheist who doesn't believe.  I believe strongly - I just dont have anything concrete to hold on to.

Today I am going to volunteer at a synogogue for a friend.  They are feeding the homeless.  I'm going as a supporter of my friends (a family I grew up with), a concerened citizen of my city (to help out the homeless) and I guess as a Jew but I'm not really sure what that means.

Today I start my journey officially.  I am looking for God.  I will start at my roots but my journey has led me to pontificate a stronger realtionship than the one I have been born into.